Why I Hate The Archers

Two pieces - firstly a performance piece for Stroud Valley Arts and An Evening with Elvis; secondly a more discursive piece for the page.

A tale of why I loathe Ye Archers

By William Shakespeare

Archers!

Vile Archers!

Noisome effusion of middle England on the airwaves,

Pestilential vapour of Ambridge enclave,

Coddling of the mind so that even a monarchy

Doth seem less imposition and ivy-clad parasite,

But rather more Merrie Englande of fair pageant and heritage -

For if the citizens of this fair land do believe in the fairy tales and fictions

Of Ambridge and Borsetshire,

Then how couldst  they reject a monarchy’s addiction?

Our very rulers do tell us that this imagined ruralia

 Is ‘the nation’s favourite radio drama’

And ‘the soundtrack of our lives for over six decades’,

But tis infantilising and embarrassing and deceiving:

Forsooth, it once killed off a character because, in real life,

She argued for trade union representation and Equity wage rates,

But it allowed the real Dan and Doris Archer

To go round jollily opening Tory summer fetes,

Forsooth, tis the aural cousin of the Daily Mail,

The Daily Telegraph and the Countryside Alliance:

Our land is now more reactionary than it was before the birth

Of this accursed invention:

Who in their left mind can possibly deny that these two events are causally linked?

There will be no improvement in our real lives

Until we get rid of this excruciating piece of fiction -

Or, until, ye fellow minstrels and troubadours,

My comrades and cooperatives of this fair audience

Verily decide to write our own scripts:

If the tale of Helen’s plight can raise £75,000 for Refuge,

Then verily just think of how we could take control of our whole land and nation

If we take control of The Archers,

And occupy Ambridge.

Ye subjects of the airwaves!

Arise from your slumbers and become free citizens!

Become thee, the scriptwriters!

My esteemed and wondrous audience,

Seize thee the quill!

Overturn the Ambridge Village Fete!

‘Expropriate the expropriators’:

Listeners of Radio 4 unite.

Ye have nothing to lose but your chains on the airwaves of your minds.

Why I Hate The Archers

I hate The Archers

Because the very name is feudal and militaristic:

The massed ranks firing their longbows under the tutelage of King and barons,

This sceptred isle,

An illusion of equality created by a nationalist, Shakespearian trope,

Nomenclature as false consciousness;

I hate The Archers

Because the programme came along in 1951,

When the toffs began to fight back against the new welfare state and nationalisation,

With the familiar complaints about red tape, bureaucrats, loss of competitiveness,

Loss of tradition, loss of individuality, loss of self-reliantly standing on your own two feet:

The Archers’ conception and birth lies firmly within this ideological context –

A deeply reactionary programme that leads the most sane left-wing people

To completely suspend all disbelief, and talk about these characters

And their petty fictional lives ad nauseam and all the time and at the drop of a hat;

I hate The Archers

Because the programme has now risen beyond satire in this deeply reactionary modern age

(With Cameron and country suppers and Chipping Norton and Rebekah Brooks, dogs and horses),

Even though it was parodied, fifty years ago by Tony Hancock,

Guying a nation held in thrall to a fictional world of ruralia –

as though it were a more authentic time and place than the real world,

It’s no wonder then that we have a monarchy when adults believe country fairy tales,

Programmes like The Archers just soften up the populace for the real thing,

It’s like subliminal Goebbels on the BBC.

And I hate the way Middle England reimagines itself in a knowing sort of way,

With a nudge and a wink that we don’t really believe in the cartography of Ambridge:

Borsetshire, Fawcett Magna, Loxley Barrett, Penny Hassett, Manderton Cross et al …

I know Thomas Hardy did the same with Wessex,

But his were tales of the harshness, struggle, and futility of life,

The unrelenting exploitation of poor rural workers, men, women, boys and girls,

As opposed to the cosy fictions of what the BBC calls,

‘The nation’s favourite radio drama’;

It’s infantilising and embarrassing:

Who cares about how Phil Archer proposed to Jill?

Why would anyone in their left mind want to remember

When ‘Jennifer Aldridge learned of Brian’s affair with Siobhan and met their son Ruairi’;

Or recall ‘When Walter Gabriel’s monster marrow, grown for the

Annual Flower and Produce Show, exploded over Tom Forrest’;

Or ruminate over ‘when the Grundys were evicted from their family home, Grange Farm’.

BBC Books tell us that the programme

‘has been the soundtrack of our lives for over six decades’;

It has revered and has been revered by the monarchy,

It killed off a key character because she was pro trade union and Equity,

While Dan and Doris Archer went round jollily opening Tory summer fetes,

It is the aural cousin of the Daily Mail, the Daily Telegraph and the Countryside Alliance:

Our political, economic and social capitalist system is now more reactionary

Than it was before the Archers’ birth:

Who in their left mind can possibly deny that these two events are causally linked?

There will be no improvement in our real lives until we get rid of this excruciating piece of fiction,

Or until we write our own scripts:

If the tale of Rob and Helen and the story of Helen’s plight can raise £73,000 for Refuge,

Then just think of how we can take control of our nation if we take control of The Archers,

Become the scriptwriters!

Revolutionise the Ambridge Village Fete!

‘Expropriate the expropriators’,

Listeners of Radio 4 unite.

You have nothing to lose but your chains on the airwaves.