Tory Philosophy and History: a Satire

I have to be honest, 

I do know Tories, 

And they can be quite personable - 

We all make sense of the world in different ways and all that; 

But as a type, an archetype, a stereotype, 

Then it’s all a bit different for me, 

My prejudices come to the fore, 

And there are a number of reasons why I find it hard to love Tories: 

Because they watch Downton Abbey, War and Peace and Jane Austen on the telly, 

And constitute the most reactionary government since Peterloo in 1819; 

Because they use statements like

 ‘Now let me be quite clear about this’,

And ‘it’s just plain common sense’,

Ignorant of the fact, as Trotsky said, 

That ‘Common sense is the wisdom of the ruling class’. 

Because they like hunting: truly, ‘the unspeakable after the uneatable.’ 

And, talking of Hunt, it’s not just his mealy mouthed sanctimony, 

Nor his hypocritical NHS cant, nor the way he cuddled up to Murdoch -  

Because they all do that - 

No, it’s because of his appalling Pecksniffian smug-lipped face; 

He honestly thinks it makes him look honest in front of the camera: 

Behold the tragedy and the irony of self-delusion - as well as media-training. 

I can’t stand the sight of all those white men in suits braying in the Commons, 

When introducing the bedroom tax or cutting tax credits or cutting Sure Start, 

Or claiming it’s possible to live on £7.50 a day and then claiming forty quid for a breakfast, 

Or tax payers’ money for their horses and their stables, 

Then trousering rent while declaring war on social housing. 

I don’t like their definition of a welfare state, 

Which is essentially bulldozing housing estates and then building affordable homes, 

Which only cost £400,000.  

There’s more … 

I despair when they claim that food banks aren’t necessary 

And then laud these as an example of the Big Society in action. 

Then there is the way they lionise philanthropy and charity, 

And wage war on its negation: parity.

And the way they say the reason why Etonians and Harrovians rise to the top 

Is because the Left has closed down the grammar schools. 

I singularly hate the fact that the top twenty Tory donors are tax dodgers. 

I hate the way they say the word ‘strike’ in such a pejorative way, 

Ditto, ‘nationalisation’ and ‘trade unions’, 

I hate the way the House of Commons’ champagne bill has doubled since the last election, 

And I can’t stand the way they say that they are now ‘the party of working people’, 

And I loathe those brainwashing weasel words, ‘striver’, ‘shirker’, ‘aspirational’; 

Then, again, I might just loath even more the way they use the term ‘Taxpayers’ money’, 

As though the poorest and the richest are bonded together in harmony of interest and commonality, 

It’s all part – conscious for some, instinctual for others – of their divide and rule mentality. 

I don’t like the way they demonise Asian women who can’t speak English, 

And their threat of deportation if such women don’t pass their exams. 

I particularly hate the way they worship ‘modernity’ alongside ‘heritage’ and ‘tradition’, 

But say that trade unions are dinosaurs, alongside socialists, Marxists and communists. 

I hate them because we have the most expensive railways in Europe 

And they don’t seem to care that it’s impossible to travel at Christmas and Easter. 

I hate the way they think and say that we should spend our time 

Moving from one energy supplier to another, just to save a few pence, 

Because this shows the virtues of privatisation, competition and the free market. 

I hate them because of the Bullingdon Club, their fun and games 

Of vomiting, smashing up restaurants and porcine fellatio. 

I hate them because London pollution levels went beyond safe in 2016, 

Yet they talk of cutting out all ‘the green crap’. 

I especially hate the way they claim that they are pragmatists, 

Not ideologues, but just honest people who speak the plain truth, 

When in fact they make Orwellian 1984 Newspeak seem naïve, 

Innocent, ingenuous and, as it were, amateur. 

And talking of History and 1984, I loath Gove 

For his little Englander Island Story approach to the curriculum 

And Nicky Morgan for her obedient and dutiful commitment 

To testing, academisation and privatisation of schools, 

As well as her steadfast disregard for any evidence that says that she is wrong. 

There’s more: 

Cameron’s response to the flooding to show he cares? 

Send in the troops. 

Cameron’s thanks to Scotland for staying in the Union? 

English votes for English laws. 

But let’s return to hatred, 

And conclude: 

I hate the way they invoke the spirit of Dunkirk, the Blitz and the Second World War, 

Forgetting that the reward for the long, hard slog to victory 

Was the Beveridge Report, the Welfare State and a promise that 

There would be no return to the Great Depression, austerity and balancing the books; 

Instead, there would be council housing, an NHS, free education, full employment. 

Now, the promises are broken with deceit, delusion, hoodwinking, trickery, 

As they beguile, con and cozen us, as they take us for a ride, 

Take us to the cleaners, and pull a variety of fast ones, 

With their cronies at the Mail, the Telegraph, the Murdoch media, 

The BBC, the freebies, the Daily Express; 

Disinformation, illusion, hogwash, indoctrination, 

And all in the name of a free press. 

But, going back to 1819, the most reactionary Tories ever and Peterloo, 

Let’s remember Shelley: 

We are many, they are few.